I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
