I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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