he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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