I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
