so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
