I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were trust falling into bushes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
