I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
