You made me cry and you don't even care
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
