I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
