You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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