I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
