At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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