people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
