So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
