you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
