Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If that was your dad, he is hot
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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