Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
