couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize