If that was your dad, he is hot
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
