Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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