he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
