last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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