You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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