You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
