if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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