I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
