no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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