Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
