omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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