R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
