My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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