there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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