she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
