i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
