I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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