You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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