how can u be prego again
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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