My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
