I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
