things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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