I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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