just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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