Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
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