If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
