he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
