Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
