I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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