I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
