I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
