Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
