Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
