she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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