I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
there's paper in my vomit.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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