a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
