im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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