i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
